By Rachel Vargeletis | Observer Contributor
Never in my life do I remember my chest physically hurting more than it did the moment I realized I meant nothing. I breathed, I was alive, but I wasn’t living. It, pathetically enough, seemed like my world was over. It felt as if he was ringing my heart dry in his clenched fists, drawing out every last bit of worth and feeling I could try to muster. There was a new crack developing in every one of my bones as each word bounced off his tongue, one by one in a calamitous nose dive.
“I didn’t mean to use you, but I guess I did . . .” Crack.
“I guess I just don’t find you emotionally attractive . . .” Snap.
“You wouldn’t be enough . . .” Total heartbreak.
And from that day on, I swear I was worthless.
It’s like learning how to ride a bike, but on a tightrope. That is how it feels to try and make yourself believe (if you even tried) that you are more- more than this anyway. More than that dumb boy who added to this dumb seemingly perpetual feeling that I will never be enough- or I never even was to begin with.
To clear some things up; yes, as cliché as it sounds- I, a young woman, got my heart broken by a young man that probably wasn’t worth my time in the first place maybe once or twice. Like an abusive relationship, I kept coming back and coming back, trying to make things work – somehow – with a boy I was never actually in a relationship with. I had already told myself I’d find no one better. I was so messed up in the head, I convinced myself I wasn’t settling, per say, I just earnestly believed I deserved nothing better than what I was “dished”. It didn’t feel like he wasn’t worth my time- for the longest time- and as accurately as I can try and appropriately explain that sad situation to be, all that really matters- all that I can actually benefit from now were the lessons I had to learn from that one person. Lessons I believe with every ounce of my (now) well-being, every single man or woman, girl or boy, need to come to know.
Going through a pain like the one I did where my whole world was demolished at the blink of an eye and for years afterwards, is something I would never wish on anyone. And one of the biggest accomplishments in my life, honestly, is overcoming that nothingness that was so deeply imbedded in me.
Life, itself, is falling down, but living is getting back up- and that’s why what I can take from this is far greater than what I went through.
This accomplishment in my life, of getting back up, has really given me the greatest satisfaction. It may seem petty from an outsider, however especially necessary to me in my journey through life. What I have taken from this experience I call: “The Lessons I Had to Learn on my Own Because of You”:
Lesson Number One: I don’t need somebody; I may want somebody- but I am not lacking anything on my own.
Lesson Number Two: My worth is not determined by the arch of my curves, or the flutter of my eyelashes, and even the weight of my step.
Lesson Number Three: If I am not worth someone’s time and effort, they are not worth my affections.
Lesson Number Four: I am altogether lovely, from the girth of my hips, to the snort when I laugh, the width of my feet, and the heart on my sleeve.
Lesson Number Five: Sometimes the end of your world is the beginning of something better.
Lesson Number Six: I am not nothing; I am not even something. I am everything even if you can’t see that.
Without a bottom low, and a (small) desire to keep going, I will have never known how high I can possibly go on my own- by myself- without any boy, because I am worth it, can capable of amazing heights. And I don’t need anyone else to come to that realization. Just as I hope you will too.